I AM A PROPHET!!!!!!!
Remember my previous insightfully worded post about how the new movie "Krrish" reflects badly on Singapore showing that we outsource superheroes to India? Well, it turns out I was right after all, right, right! The movie offends Singapore even on the basest of levels!

If this letter in ST Forum is anything to go by:

This is regarding the newly released Hindi movie, Krissh, which was shot mostly in Singapore.
In fact in the credits, it thanks the Singapore Tourism Board. But it is sad to see that Singapore is portrayed in a bad light.
When the hero lands in Singapore, he is standing outside Changi Airport when two bikers come along and try to snatch his bag away.
Having lived in Singapore for 10 years I know such things never ever happen here.
But those who have never visited the country would have a false and negative impression of it after seeing the movie.

Nafisa Quresh Bengali (Ms)Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia


Thanks, Ms Bengali, for your piercing insight into the film, yes, this is even MORE damaging to our island's reputation than the fact that the film's evil scientist villain has his base of operations here! I mean, we all know that if there are evil "foreign talent" scientists here they would all be too well-paid at Science Park or Biopolis to want to carry out any evil plans here, but of course, yes, the fact that bikers exist in Singapore is...gasp...so damaging! Unless of course...people have been watching too much of that stupid Taiwanese idol drama "Mars" and have become taken up with "Zai Zai" Vic Zhou and want to be like him...

I say we must ban "Mars" if we are to prevent our citizens from thinking that being bikers are cool!

I applaud thee to the very echo, Ms Bengali!

And that's the Commander Report, over and out!

WHY IS SCIENCE WORKING AGAINST OUR PM? IS GLOBAL SCIENCE SEDITIOUS?

This goes out to everybody that slammed our PM's supremely self-confident assertion about the superiority and applicability of single party rule in Singapore...I mean, contrary to global opinion going the other way round, in Singapore we have found a distinct set of paradigms that WORK. I mean, we have all the right to be supremely self-confident especially when we see facts like how we are struggling against a rising China, a rising Thailand, a rising Dubai...I mean face it, we are already at WAR BY PROXY!

And now here the New Scientist has put up this article, in which this extract can be found:

Overconfident people are more likely to wage war but fare worse in the ensuing battles, a new study suggests. The research on how people approach a computer war game backs up a theory that “positive illusions” may contribute to costly conflicts.

“It supplies critically needed experimental support for the idea that positive attitude - which is generally a [beneficial] feature of human behaviour - may lead to overconfidence and [damaging] behaviour in the case of war,” comments Peter Turchin of the University of Connecticut, US.

Previous work has suggested that mentally healthy people can have highly optimistic predictions, or “positive illusions”. This optimism may have offered an evolutionary advantage in the past, allowing our ancestors to cope with adversity and bluff opponents.

But in the present day this optimism may wreak havoc on international relations, argue the researchers, who conducted computer simulations to test their hypothesis.

So they say now that overconfidence is politically damaging when you have to compete with others in anything, eh? At least the article gives credit that the Alpha Males in our society (those who have the evolutionary advantage of bluffing their opponents and coping with adversity) like PM Lee are contrary to what those of you out there might believe, mentally healthy.

But how dare they say that overconfidence is bad? It's GOOD! Especially when you consider all the great things about warfare that have been achieved due to overconfidence: Custer's Last Stand, Operation Rolling Thunder, the Schlieffen Plan...ah those were all such, such...grand plans that met with...little success anyway and most of them ended up complete fiascos, but never mind...they don't apply to Singapore...the same kind of overconfidence will serve our economic, social and diplomatic means well too!

Why from what I have seen, the New Zealand papers are finally taking note of all of us, and realizing what a super-swell society we are....erm...well...they don't realize it now, but someday those suckers will!

And that's the Commander Report, over and out!

JAPAN: THE REMILITARIZATION OF CUTE!
Hi, the Commander is back and warning Singapore to beware Japan's remilitarization...that is now going to take a different form from what we have seen before?
Pop quiz, hot shot, if an invading army was at your doorstep, would you let them in if they looked like this?

Or if they looked like this?

According to this article, the obsession with things cute or "kawaii" ----"has the world's second biggest economy doing some soul-searching, wondering what exactly is making its people gravitate so frantically towards cuteness".
To which the Commander says, "Don't BE FOOLED!"I say this whole cute thing is their new idea to rebuild the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere! Think about it, what was so wrong with their old Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere? It was not cute enough! No one's going to like it if you unleash a tough, bearded guy in a samurai sword on them, no,I'll prefer to get sliced in half by red octopuses, like this cool show below...



Other things I'll probably enjoy more than being decapitated by that guy in the black and white photo above include:
1. Getting my ass kicked by magical schoolgirls.
2. Stomped upon by a giant green monster.
3. Stomped upon by a giant robot.
4. Getting beaten up by a guy in a bug suit.
5. Getting beaten up by a guy in robo suit.
See what I mean? Can't you imagine if the Japanese decide to stage an invasion of Singapore now, using an army of Pretty Cure and Cardcaptor Sakura characters, backed up Pokemon and Godzilla. God they would be unbeatable. They would all look so cute and so cool that the kids of Singapore will all pester their mommies and daddies to let them across the causeway without a fight, and they'll take us over without firing a single shot. The next thing you know, Singapore teenagers will all be brainwashed into dressing up like samurais, aliens, and wizards...and they'll just think it's "Cosplay" when instead, they have all joined the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere and have turned traitor without even knowing it...
I say we must stop that before it happens...but wait...
NO NO NO NO NO!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

What's this? Quick, call the army, the Greater East Asia Co-Kawaii Sphere has arrived!

SUGGESTIONS FOR FUTURE DR CHEE CAREERS!

Now given that Dr Chee's party has effectively been shut down, it's time to try and find alternative careers for the man himself.

What about, say, rapping? After all, no one shoots himself as effectively as Dr Chee does!




THE STATE OF THE SDP PERHAPS?

Without Chee Lyrics

Chee Soon Juan, Real Name No Gimmicks..."

[Beat Changes]

[Dr Chee]
Two Hong Lim park cops go round the outside,
round the outside, round the outside.
Two Hong Lim park cops go round the outside,
round the outside, round the outside.

[Female Voice]
"Ooooohhhhh!"

[Dr Chee]
Guess who's back, back again
Doc Chee's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back,
guess who's back, guess who's back,
guess who's back, guess who's back,
guess who's back...

Dr Chee Dr Chee…yeah…Dr Chee Dr Chee!

Verse 1:
I've created a monster, cuz nobody wants to
See my party no more they want Chee
I'm chopped liver
Well if you want Chee, then this is what I'll give ya
A little bit of bull mixed with some hard liquor
Some vodka that will jumpstart my heart quicker
Then a shock from a raw red bolt of thunder
From the gahmen when I'm not cooperating
When I'm rocking the table while they’re operating "Hey"
You waited this long to stop debating
Cuz I'm back, I'm on the rag and ovulating
I know you got a job Little Lee
But your whole NKF problem is complicated
So the PAP won't let me be
Or let me be me so let me see
They finally shut down the whole SDP
But it feels so empty without me
So come on dip, bum on your lips
f*ck that cum on your lips and some on your tits
And get ready cuz this sh*t's about to get heavy
I just settled all my lawsuits, "f*ck you Pappy!"

Chorus:
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody just follow me
Cuz we need a little controversy,
Cuz it feels so empty without Chee

I said this looks like a job for me
So everybody just follow me
Cuz we need a little controversy

Cuz it feels so empty without Chee.

HORNED HAND?

THE STUDENTS SKETCHPAD says that it is Satanic if I make the gesture of stretching out forefinger and little finger, and point my thumb sideways to make the "Horned Hand", I am being Satanic...since According to the Adamic text of the freemasons, they would penetrate the most powerful in society and soon conquer the world and set a New World Order...well I tell you this, I practice this gesture with my hand outstretched every day, because after reading this informative book below for my daily fix of martial arts...



This is in fact a handsign of the most powerful martial arts ever known to man...

So if this is the case...



Are the PAP really martial artists in disguise?


HEY! I'M A MAN IN WHITE TOO!

ADDENDUM TO PREVIOUS ARTICLE...

The God this "Left Behind" series depicts appears to be schizophrenic, if this article is anything to be believed:

"Jesus merely raised one hand a few inches and a yawning chasm opened in the earth, stretching far and wide enough to swallow all of them. They tumbled in, howling and screeching, but their wailing was soon quashed and all was silent when the earth closed itself again." -- From Glorious Appearing by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins

"The best thing about the Left Behind books is the way the non-Christians get their guts pulled out by God."-- 15-year old fundamentalist fan of the Left Behind series

So you can kill for this God and He would redeem you if you pray, but He can send his son down to kill tons and tons of people who just didn't find the time or willingness to do so?

Does he have a split personality or something?

GOD DOES PLAY GAMES...IT'S JUST THAT IT ISN'T HALO 2!

You know, Christian friends of mine always tell me God doesn't play games. Today, the Commander has come out with a new revelation, YES, he does play games, it just isn't HALO 2!

Well, if apparently this online article is anything go by, if God played video games, He'd be playing "Left Behind: Eternal Forces"!


Now I know that all religions talk about forgiveness, but if this Christian God as depicted in the game is anything to go by, isn't He TOO forgiving for anyone's liking if this article depicting the rules of play is any judge?

The game is set in New York City, where the Tribulation Force clashes with the Antichrist's Global Community Peacekeepers in a tale that makes the United Nations a tool for Satan. Each side attempts to recruit lost souls in the battle for the city. "Eternal Forces" is a so-called real-time strategy game — players act as battlefield generals for their virtual armies, deciding where to place units and when to order attacks or retreats.In the game, Tribulation squads unleash the usual arsenal against the Antichrist: guns, tanks, helicopters. But soldiers lose some of their spirituality every time they kill an opponent and must be bolstered through prayer. The failure to nurture good guys causes their spirit points to drop, leaving them vulnerable to recruitment by the other side.The player's choices prompt intervention by angelic forces or unleash demons who feast on the faithful. As players progress through the increasingly difficult levels, they see Scripture passages presented as secret scrolls and hear inspirational music.

So all I need to do is PRAY when I kill, and I will avoid my soul going over to Satan? As far as the Commander is concerned, Christianity must be the most bang-up religion on Earth if this is the case!

And if this game is anything to go by, Paul himself got God wrong too, didn't he? Especially when he said, "Though we walk in flesh, we do not make war in accordance with the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not fleshly"? (Corinthians 10:3-4)

Maybe Paul never heard of uzis or rifles or semi-automated weapons in the Roman period, but I'm not too sure he would have approved...

DISCLAIMER:
If there any Christians out there that care to explain this, can you please EMAIL ME? The Commander is wholly patriotic and non-seditious, and just wants to wonder why a "Christian" game can be so at odds with the Bible itself?

NEXT STOP: OPERATION ALASKAN FREEDOM!

Having read this on my friend Bjorn's website, all I can say is that...you know, I want Bush to send the US army to Alaska,so that he can liberate the Polar Bears before they destroy themselves. I mean, can't those Polar Bears talk among themselves when it comes to sharing food?

And by the way, Mr President, if you liberate those Polar Bears, your friends in Oil will get "recovery contracts" to build those pipelines to keep Polar Bears warm and fuzzy, so they won't need to deal with the cold anymore! Maybe then they'll start eating honey...since at the rate we're going the climate of Alaska will soon be savory for a nice temperate deciduous forest!

And that's The Commander Report, over and out!

PS Bjorn, don't be such a sissy, if you can't stand the heat, get outta the world!

Polar Bears on Death Row

Take a good look at this pic, we think polar bears are so cute and cuddly we use them in ads, but think again because polar bears might march off into history to become fiction and fantasy after the end of this century. New generations will come to think of polar bears in the same context as dinosaurs.

Thats right. And global warming is to blame. Global warming, as we all learnt in our youths, melts the polar ice caps, natural habitats of these polar bears. (not artifical refrigerated zoos) While I am concerned about the continual and relentless destruction of the polar ice caps, that alone did not make me blog this article.

End of this century might be 94 years away, but its a very short time compared to how short a time humans have since embarked on Industrialization. If we talk about sustainability, our human lifestyle on Earth is highly unsustainable if we keep hearing about fellow animal and plant species getting endangered or dying off all the time. Soon, it might be us.

Here's a pic below of polar bears in happier days in the past. Not anymore.

One word: CANNIBALISM

CNN reports that the latest threat to polar bears might just be themselves. Global warming's greatest impact is not limited to just the physical landscape but also the ecological food chain. With the decimation of the preys of polar bears and the increasing difficulty of access to their food sources, polar bears' new source of food can only be themselves.

"Researchers discovered the first kill in January 2004. A male bear had pounced on a den, killed a female and dragged it 245 feet (75 meters) away, where it ate part of the carcass. Females are about half the size of males."In the face of the den's outer wall were deep impressions of where the predatory bear had pounded its forepaws to collapse the den roof, just as polar bears collapse the snow over ringed seal lairs," the paper said.

"From the tracks, it appeared that the predatory bear broke through the roof of the den, held the female in place while inflicting multiple bites to the head and neck. When the den collapsed, two cubs were buried, and suffocated, in the snow rubble."

Not so cute anymore, eh? Polar bears have become killers and they do not stop at killing females.

In April 2004, while following bear footprints on sea ice near Herschel Island, Yukon Territory, scientists discovered the partially eaten carcass of an adult female. Footprints indicated it had been with a cub. The male did not follow the cub, indicating it had killed for food instead of breeding.

A few days later, Canadian researchers found the remains of a yearling that had been stalked and killed by a predatory bear, the scientists said.

Yes, some friends of mine might not know me as an environmentalist, but I am. Because I believe that our damage to our environment is a direct impact of mankind's irresponsible actions. And such irresponsibility will bite us back eventually and threaten our existence on Earth.

My Message: Humanitarianism

The disruption of mankind on the natural order of our world is a dangerous omen. Cannibalism is as unnatural as it gets. Do your part to lessen global warming. And as we march off college campuses to become captains of industry, academia or society, let us cultivate a sense of environmentalism, or more fundamentally, a sense of humanitarianism.

Because the environment sustains us humans.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW...

Right after I speculate Ms Piggy going HOG WILD after Kermit joins the Frogmen, someone shows me this clip...

Well, it isn't Miss Piggy, but it's kinda cool to imagine, eh?

ELMO'S DAD GOES TO WAR

It's gonna be like Custer's Last Stand, isn't it?

Elmo's Dad Ships Out for Duty on 'Sesame Street'

by Robert Smith

All Things Considered, May 4, 2006 · The folks at Sesame Street are working with military groups to make a new video for children of active service members. In it, Elmo's father deploys (although it's vague about whether he's in the Army or going to war) and the red-furry muppet has to cope with his absence. The target is the half a million children younger than five with parents in the military.

You know, I never thought any country other than Singapore could outdo us in "National Education", but today, I want to applaud Sesame Street for going in the right direction. But yet, that video I would say, lacks authenticity, and is not adequately covering the realities for many children yet.

Of course, they would want to shield children from the harsher realities of war, but not when some of those realities are coming back to haunt them big time.

Yes. In order to remedy that, I suggest that the folks at Sesame Street adopt this plan for the sequel to the video:

1. Elmo's dad returns.

2. Goes back on another tour.

3. Returns

4. Goes back on another tour.

5. Returns

6. Goes back on another tour of duty.

7. Gets court-martialed over fake "War Crimes" in "Massacre" at some Iraqi town or other.

8. Elmo's mom has an affair with the plumber. Elmo discovers it, Elmo's mom sings the "Adultery Song" in a Jazzy style:

"When you got no man to hang around

You do what you can with the man that you have found

All this so that you may then sleep at night safe and sound

That's ADULTERY, my

Son, A-D-U-L-T-E-R-Y...."

9. Elmo's family is evicted after dad fails to pay the rent.

10. Elmo's dad returns with severe brain damage after an IED explodes near his inadequately-armored Humvee, now there is a splinter in his brain that is causing him to hear voices.

11. Elmo's dad returns, realizes Elmo's mom has run away with another man, lost his normal job, realizes that sometimes he thinks his own son is the nickname of Jaffar El-Moammar, the No. 4 in Al Qaeda (no one remembers who the No. 4 in Al Qaeda is anymore, they've already caught him ten times!)

12. Without health insurance and medical insurance, Elmo is now forced to work to support what remains of his family. But every day, Elmo's dad with teach him "The Star Spangled Banner" and "The Ballad of the Green Berets" to tell him about the prestige and glory of the US military.

13. Years later, Elmo deploys for Iraq for the money.

That's my thirteen point plan for the sequel to this video, and you know what, by the time you make it, all of the above could very well have come true for not just Elmo, but also for Kermit when he joins the Frogmen (hoo boy is Miss Piggy gonna go HOG WILD when that happens), and when Big Bird is drafted into the air force.

And that's The Commander Report, over and out!

INDIAN SUPERHEROES REFLECT BADLY ON S'PORE!


GO AWAY, BAD MATRIX KNOCK_OFF!

Glad to be back after the illness. Now onto more truthy reporting about the great
state of the Nation!

There is a very depressing issue that has come to the Commander's mind lately. You may have read about the Indian superhero film "Krrish" shot in Singapore, directed by Rakesh Roshan and starring his son Hrithik, with music by Rajesh Roshan. Look, it's already bad enough that they have to follow the "family business" format the way Singapore does, but they have to shoot it in Singapore, while Mr Roshan pretends in his Life! interview that the film will "reflect well on Singapore"?

Yeah right, don't believe that for a moment. Firstly, no superhero film can reflect good on Singapore. Because the presence of superheroes indicates only one thing: supercrime. Look, if there was no supercrime, there would be no need for superheroes. And Singapore has no supercrime, believe you me. And even if there is, remember that the SAF foiled the plot to bomb Yishun MRT okay? See, Singapore doesn't need superheroes, we got TOTAL DEFENCE!

And secondly, since when did we outsource superheroes to India? We can't do that. We ourselves must defend Singapore, sure we also hire a lot of Gurkhas, but that is beside the point!

That's why I urge all my readers, please don't watch "Krrish", it's going to be worse for Singapore than the Da Vinci Code. Chua Mui Hoong, your inner nationalist and inner multiculturalist better start working now and telling you and the rest of Singapore to boycott this movie!

And that's the Commander Report, over and out!

THE COMMANDER'S DOWN WITH THE BUGS

The Commander has a war to fight to germs living in his stomach this week, they have reached his head and are causing his temperature to rise, and is not in the mood to share any of his precious insights.

All well-wishers are welcome.

SINGAPORE: KINDERGARTEN CITY


CAN DISNEY GIVE ME SOME $$$ FOR DOING THEIR PRODUCT PLACEMENT?

Harry Potter on Exchange: Witnessing the Product of the Singapore Education System.

"I didn't know they grew their own students!"

The Commander in the wee hours of the morning often recalls those innocent years of his in kindergarten when he kept telling his mommy and daddy, "I'm going to school!" and they reply, "No silly dear, you're still in kindergarten!"

"You're still in kindergarten..."

Years later, I realize the truth of that statement.

You know, when people in Singapore complains about Streaming, and Gifted Education, like this damn comic right here, and I am just damn pissed about all this yammering, and I say that I'm mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore! Can't you all see that you're really in kindergarten, and not suffering "school" at all?

Oh lucky Singaporeans, you always call your homeland a Garden City, without realizing that it is word that could not be more true in more ways than one!

You see, not only is it a Garden City, I would call it, based on our education system, a KINDERGARTEN CITY. You know, people around the world wish that they were back in Kindergarten. Where if you just misbehaved a little the teacher would stretch you out on a caning rack and give you some nice gentle little beatings. Oh yeah, Michael Fay figured that out, didn't he?




RANDOM PICTURES OF ANNOYING SQUIRTS

Yes, in Singapore, as long as you are in school, you are in Kindergarten. Now that works in more ways than one, the word "Kindergarten" isn't just a garden for children to play in, no, no, it's a garden where the children are the flowers of the country, blooming and growing under the tender loving care of the gardeners. And if once in a while there is a bit of lightning that strikes down tall, sturdy ancient oaks that have grown through meticulous care (like Nanyang University) , it doesn't matter, because as the ancient I Ching of China says, "the passage of lightning indicates growth"...

You know how the term "kindergarten" came about? Well, it came about right after Napoleon whopped those Prussians' behinds at Jena. It was the Prussian philosopher Fichte who then advocated the idea of the state as a necessary instrument of social and moral progress, and thus thought up the idea that children needed to be taught what to think, how to think, and how long to think about it. It was meant in fact, to remove all stresses of learning and bring about ""harmony, obdience, freedom from stressful thinking and how to follow orders."

Just like flowers needed to be adjusted to grow in the right direction, so do children. And thus came about the idea of the Kindergarten, where the children can grow healthily and happily until their turn to be sold onto the market where they would be taken into others' ownership, cut, dried and pressed in books, or just sold to far off places.

In that sense, the Singapore Education System is 12 years of Kindergarten, yes, 12 years of gardening to produce talent of all different stripes and sizes. And always, in this garden, who needs ungainly weeds, strangly vines or tall sturdy trees, they only block out the sunlight. What we should be are baby-like stem vegetables that grow in the ground, like Harry Potter's mandrakes.



So next time whenever someone says that Singapore is a Garden City, tell them, no, it is a Kindergarten City, where everyday is the repetition of letters and numbers, anyone that behaves badly is given the rod straightaway, and where the refreshment corner is always bursting with delicious, nutritious treats to get off the boredom of homework!

And that's the Commander Report, over and out!

I APPLAUD THEE, MS. CHUA!

Kudos to Ms Chua Mui Hoong in today's paper in her article, "Why Da Vinci Code movie won't be getting my $9.50", Straits Times P39) for her reasons why she is going to not go and watch "The Da Vinci Code". Truly, when such a menacing piece of Hollywood fluff surfaces in our public consciousness, we must do our best to avoid it, and what better things to avoid from Hollywood than all of these corrupting, wrong-headed, summer blockbusters where the only thing worth watching is Tom Hanks' hair extensions?

Indeed Ms Chua, I applaud thee to the very echo for your decisions.I should not distrust you for saying that you are a Liberal-Minded Singaporean living in a multi-faith, secular society, because the fact that you needed to point such things out shows it for yourself.

You have got so many people in you, that they keep and maintain the balance of things as they should be, and that is something I also applaud. I seriously think that we people have to be like cuckoo clocks. Like every time our hands hit the mark, that little cuckoo inside us has to come out and give us a little wake-up call for what we have to do.

The citizen in me is happy the state did not see fit to censor, the Catholic in me will stage a private act of protest by choosing not to watch it.

Indeed, I often experience the same dilemma when I think about whether I should eat a cheeseburger. The vegetarian tells me I shouldn't eat the cheeseburger, the Buddhist in me just discourages it, the dietician tells me that I should eat it in moderation, two out of three being a majority, I just end up eating the cheeseburger with great reluctance and pray for my Karma that I do not get reincarnated as a cow in the next life and suffer the chopping block.

Namo Amitabha indeed.

I am glad that the inner battle in Ms Chua between her citizen and her Catholic sides have reached a compromise. I can't imagine life for anyone without so many little people with so many different personalities in their bodies. It's all these little people, all these little voices inside our heads that make us what we are.

So next time, remember when think you hear all those little voices and wonder where they are coming from and if you're going insane, fear not, it's just those little people inside you speaking.

And one last thing, I applaus Ms Chua to the very echo again for making this little decision during the period the Danish published those awful Mohammed cartoons:

During that period, I stayed away from Danish Cheese---a small, probably ineffectual, but still satisfying way of showing solidarity with those offended.

Indeed, I only wish I had her fortitude, because I can't imagine without all the Danish products I have:

My Lego Sets



My Butter Cookies



My Michael Learns to Rock CDs



And my Lars Von Trier movie collection...





For that, I applaud thee to the very echo, Ms Chua.

And that's the Commander Report, over and out!