Cheers to all the Americans on the other side of the globe. Today, the Commander has managed to uncover some first-hand newspaper reports of what happened more than two hundred years ago, behold!
This is probably the most revealing document of American history ever written.
COMMANDER IN CHIEF WASHINGTON'S SCANDALOUS 'PRINCETON MEMO' INVITES IRE
from THE BOSTON BUGLE, July 4 1777
As the nation celebrates its first anniversary of independence, Commander-in-Chief Washington finds himself caught in scandal as secrets of the methods in which he conducted himself during the War of Independence, particularly his treatment of the Hessians. In fact, Washington's legitimacy as the leader of our newly formed nation is currently being called into the open.
In addition to a recent statement by New Jersey merchant Richard Billington Cheney that the Hessians were "in their last throes" when General Washington took easy credit for their defeat at Trenton and Princeton, recently leaks of "The Princeton Memo" have aroused ire within certain states as well as other colonies, especially among the town criers and patricians. Five prominent individuals in these circles had a heated argument with Postmaster General Dr. Benjamin Franklin in Boston Town Hall recently on the subject of "The Princeton Memo" last week.
Boston town crier Rushnell Limbaughton has expressed ire at the contents of "The Princeton Memo", upon which these now-infamous words were written:"Treat them with humanity, and Let them have no reason to Complain of our Copying the brutal example of the British army in their Treatment of our unfortunate brethren. ... Provide everything necessary for them on the road."
"Clearly," says Limbaughton, who has just been cleared of charges that he was taking bribes from the United Empire Loyalists in Canada, "Washington's devious attempt to win over the loyalty of those thuggish Kraut mercenaries must amount to treason! Does not your support of Washington amount, therefore to treason, Mr Franklin?"
Connecticut landowner Sean Patrick Hannity IV remarks that the memo indicates that Commander in Chief Washington is "Without principle." Said Hannity, shaking his head, "This only indicates that he had no humanitarian grounds for doing anything he did whatsoever for the treatment of the Hessians, and he just wanted to humiliate our British brethren for the fun of it! Clearly he is attempting to break our ties with the British by denying our common heritage! How can you support a leader who is doing such harm to our foreign policy, Mr Franklin?" This comes on the announcement of the news that almost a quarter of the Hessians are now staying within the former colonies.
Fellow Boston town crier William Seamus O'Reilly has taken issue with this. "They're all coming here and shouting, 'Ich Bin Ein Amerikaner!' in the streets. Why the hell are they so unwilling to pick up English? Could it be that their loyalty is not yet to our Republic? As one of the founding fathers, do you not feel a responsibility to our newly-forming society, Mr Franklin? Or shall I call you a traitor?"
Plantation dame of Pacific island heritage,Michelline Malkin was equally unsparing, "Isn't General Washington's willingness to take these Hessians in a clear sign of his unwillingness to safeguard our sovereignty and national borders? I say that we must impeach President Washington on all counts!"This disparaging of President Washington's legitimacy is not restricted to the 13 states alone.
Louisianan French heiress Annabelle S Coultier V has joined in, "There iz no vay zat Washington can stay as le commander-in-chief of les treize etats if he felt that he could go soft on zose Hessian mercenaries. Ze British hired zose Hessian mercenaries because zey KNEW that ze Hessians were ze most savage, brutal, sausage-eating folk on ze face of ze planet. If Washington zought zat treating zose Hessian mercenaries with HUMANITY could get him anywhere, he is either stupid or a traitor, ah zink he's BOTH. And I am sure zat you are both too, Mr Franklin." Strangely, her opposition to the newly-formed United States is only coming fast and hard on her reported break-up with a French naval captain during the War of Independence, and her recently announced infatuation for Mr Thomas Jefferson.
To all these comments, Franklin responded simply. "I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody." replied Mr Franklin. And after which he remained silent.See page 4 for "No Right of Quarter for Mercenaries", a special op-ed by Spanish Viceroy Don Alberto De La Gonzalez.
